Morning Buzz

Pull from the flask 'till you drown in it's flood.




The End

to be there and not be

i love you, but i wish i didn't have to.
i'll be there when you call, but i'll wish i hadn't gone.
this hollow is a better place, & HELL.
it's holier to cherish this aching cavity alone- w/ you.

you're the feast that didn't fill me.
the nourishment that doesn't sustain.
the fulfillment that leaves me wanting.
the cage that doesn't keep.
..................the joy that brings me pain.

i built us a home, but these 4 walls don't shelter us from the storming winds inside.
we clothed one another in companionship, but we stand & stare at our nakedness.

you are the void & its essence. 
EXISTENCE & EXTINCTION
you are life as you are death.
you are one in the same. 
yet you are separation & the divide.
I love YOU, for you are all there is in life.
& yet, you are nothing, as i am- your everything:
your love & loss

Ron Burgundy: "I make fart noises with my mouth. PPPRRRBBBTTT!!! And I like it cause...." Machete as bartender: "Hey nut-job, quit tha singin! Creepin out all the regulars." Burgundy: "I'M EXPRESSING MY INNER ANGUISH THRU THE MAJESTY OF SONG!!!!!" Machete bartender: "Look punky, you been comin in here every day, stinkin up the joint with your craziness. Now, what the hell is wrong with you?!!!" Burgundy: "I'VE GAWT NO HEART!!!!! Because a SHE-DEVIL stole it!!!... And you wanna know what the worst part is? SHE'S BETTER THAN ME!!! (huff) she's better than me. (sigh)" Machete: "You know, timez are changing. Ladiez can DO STUFF now. You're gonna hafta learn howta deal with that." Burgandy: "What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish."

i knew a girl who killed me.
stole my heart right out of my chest.
handed it back bruised & bleeding.
now there's nothing left.
                                      .... of me

A Course in Direction- ERECTION!!!! hahaha

Some statements we make mean nothing at all. Others mean a great deal. The trick is in learning the difference. And learning NOT to trick ourselves.

Idle moments spent in a bar in Pattaya

Stab that red wine in the chest, as it pulls a gun to my head.  Moments pass..... Then there I am, all alone: save for my empty glass.
                                      The END 

Betrayal of Truth

Somewhere between Florida and Florence my subconscious made the decision for me, that this would all end in flames. No negotiations would be considered, no treaties would be tendered. Most importantly, logic and truth would not triumph, not this time. Failing to have the courage for the burden of the responsibility eventually made the destruction and the decay inevitable. A self-initiated sabotage of sorts. What should have ended that distant Summer, inevitably persisted. But the linger soured and spoiled. And now my closest lover lies in the arms of someone I considered to be a brother. The ultimate betrayal is what became of a decade of loyalty. Where once there was the promise of a ring, now resides the most horrible of possibilities. Friendships torn to tadders. Relationships ruined in a span of less than an hour. Now there's a bottle beneath my breath and a shiver in my shake. Can't sleep, can't eat and can't think. Funny how the most surprising tragedies are the ones you expect the most. So for him, sloppy seconds it shall be. And for her, my best bud's cock is the key. As for me.. I'm left holding my dick, feeling ever so lonely. After this, how am I supposed to trust anyone? How can anyone face this sort of situation and still live a life of love? Past memories pose as poison. Souvenirs from the years serve as salt in the wounds. All the red flags have been burned to the ground. All that remains is a single white flag, torn and frayed, alone in a blood-drenched battlefield. This is how a bitter grudge is born, where faith fails, where damage is done. Now a broken boy binges his way to better days. It always pours when it finally does rain, so he digs deep and prepares for the floods, although he already wades through the rising waters.

Pack It Up

Crazy times.. It is a season for change. A single catalyst meets determination. And his friend hope. Together they conspire. Together they toil. Working for a new you. A new future. So I pack it up. Everything. Down into little boxes and overstretched bags. To be moved far away. Into some dark corner somewhere. Not to be disturbed by the frenzy. Family has their concerns. Why wouldn't they? They are family. That's what they do. "It isn't safe out there!" What do they know? Can't be any worse than Hell Paso. Or Southeast Austin. But where they are blind, we can see. Where they doubt, we trust. Where they fold, we press on. So we pack it up. Into cold compartments. Into another strange territory. Unfamiliar and unknowing. But by dismissing local lore, we accept the challenge of life. Texas will always remain. It is Texas. Go onward and explore. Give yourself room to breath the fresh air. Allow your head some space to think for once. Set forth on an adventure. One for the record books. One for yourself. Is it really such a big leap? Or is it a tiny hop in a series of successive jumps, each bringing you closer to yourself? The fish can only be as big as its bowl. The plant can only grow to the size of its pot. So put down your bowl of pot and jump. Sure it will be hard. It will be tough. It will be humbling. But isn't that the point? To look out past the horizon and know that you can and you did. Pure self-reliance. Unadulterated self-assurance. Unfettered focus on the ideals of the self. Your normal self will be waiting here like you never left. In our hearts. And our minds. We will hold you dearly in memory and in prayer. We love you and always will. So go be whoever you want to be. Take everything out of yourself. So you can reassess, and know what to put back in. Release the fear, the anger, the doubt, the anxiety, the insecurity, the negativity. Tell the little voice in your mind to fuck off. Well, at least for a little while. Train your instincts and sharpen your Spidey-senses. And above all, be don't walk through the airport sideways.. For you will be going to Bang-kok. Time is of the essence and time is fleeting. So go and pack it up. All your excuses. All your worries. Everything. Put it away and go enjoy. Use the camera as your eyes and the blog as your voice. And everything will be fine.

Best of luck, Bukowski style.